Can I determine whether my girlfriend is a virgin?

Dear Romeo,  

You might feel like you’re in a tragic love story, but sex doesn’t follow a pre-written script. It’s a common myth that when someone with a vagina “loses” their virginity, their hymen always breaks or tears. That’s not always the case, which means it isn’t the best measure of virginity. These myths may be contributing to you not believing your partner and your anger, which may lead to mistrust. Read on to learn more about hymens, what virginity means, and tips for having conversations with your partner that will hopefully strengthen and rebuild trust in your relationship.   

What is the hymen and does it actually “break” or bleed during your first time?  

The hymen is a tissue that usually circles around the vaginal opening. In rare cases where it does cover the opening, there’s still a hole in the middle. Its shape, thickness, and ability to stretch vary between people, and change over the course of someone’s lifetime. Some hymens might stretch and remain intact through penetrative sex. Other hymens might tear, either during their first experience of vaginal penetration or during non-sexual activities, like sports. Still, other hymens gradually tear or break down over time, as their thickness and ability to stretch change with age.  

The hymen has very few blood vessels. Even if it does tear, there might not be any bleeding. Although some people might experience discomfort during sex, especially during their first time, sex shouldn’t be painful. The fact that your girlfriend didn’t experience pain might indicate that you used enough lubricant or foreplay for her to be properly aroused before penetration.  

What is virginity anyways?   

The traditional idea of virginity is based on heterosexual penetrative sex and assumes that someone changes after having sex for the first time. However, not everyone has this type of sex; there are many ways to have sex, and as such, there’s no one definition of “virginity.” One example being that some people include anal or oral sex and genital touching when discussing virginity. That said, the discussion of virginity often reveals more about the expectations placed upon different types of people in society than about the person themself. That’s why examining someone’s hymen isn’t an accurate way to tell whether they’ve had penetrative sex before. 

How can you reflect on and rebuild trust in a relationship? 

Has your girlfriend done something that makes you feel you can’t trust her? If she hasn’t done anything that indicates she might be lying, this could be an opportunity for you to consider how you can build trust in your relationship. Learning to trust your girlfriend can help you be vulnerable around her, lean on her for support, and prevent conflict.  

To address your trust issues, you might consider:  

• Reflecting on your past – understanding why you struggle with trust can help you break this pattern. People often struggle with trusting others because they have been betrayed in the past. Have you experienced untrustworthy behavior in your family, friendships, or romantic relationships? Could this past impact how you interpret your girlfriend’s behavior?
• Speaking to your girlfriend about your trust issues – Speaking about your worries may help you identify and process them. This can also help your girlfriend better understand how you might interpret her actions, and how she can better support you. 
• Reaching out to a mental health provider – Working with a mental health provider may help you learn coping skills to rebuild trust. 
• Prioritizing mutual trust in your relationships – Being honest about your thoughts and feelings can help center trust in your relationship.  

List adapted from VeryWell Mind  

Not experiencing pain or bleeding during sex doesn’t mean that your girlfriend is lying about her sexual history. However, this experience could be an opportunity to reflect on what you know and how you feel about virginity and why you might be struggling to trust your girlfriend.