Why am I having sex dreams about my dad?

Dear freaked out by dreams,  

Although a sex dream about a parent might feel like a nightmare, they’re more common than you might think. Most experts agree that just because you dream about something doesn’t mean you desire it. However, there is a link between major life events, dreams, and stress. These dreams might be an opportunity to check in on your stress levels and how you’re feeling emotionally about your relationships. If you notice they’re leading to stress in your daily life, you might consider speaking to your father and boyfriend about the tensions you mentioned.  

Why do people dream and what are common types of dreams?  

It’s still not known exactly why humans dream. Some experts believe that dreaming combines new experiences with old memories. That could be why people often dream about people they spend a lot of their awake time with. This theory could also explain why different aspects of your life might merge in your dreams.  

It’s common to have dreams where characters change from one person to another, like the older gentlemen to your father, in the dreams you discuss. Sex dreams are also very common. They can often involve people that you’re not attracted to, but who play a big role in your life, like a boss or family member.  

How are dreams related to your real life? 

There’s a connection between dreams, stress, and major life events. People might dream about a person when they’re experiencing a life event involving that person in the real world. For example, you might dream about a new partner after starting a relationship. This could be your brain coming to terms with this life transition.  

Stress can also influence what you dream about and can make it easier to remember your dreams. You might consider doing a check-in on your stress levels. What was going on in your life when the dreams started? Have you experienced any emotional life events recently? Do you feel any stress about your relationships with your father and boyfriend? If so, how long have you been experiencing these feelings?  

What is the Electra Complex, and could it explain your dreams?  

The “Electra Complex” is a concept that was coined by the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud over a century ago. It refers to the idea that a young girl feels rivalry with her mother for her father’s affection. However, today most psychologists consider this theory to be outdated, since it’s dependent upon traditional gender norms and a two-parent, heterosexual family.  

Although the Electra Complex isn’t used in modern psychology, scientists know that children learn about sexuality and gender roles from their parents. Some researchers suggest that when a parent or other important childhood relation appears in a dream, the dream might actually be about what they symbolize to you. Since people often learn about relationships from their parents, in your dream, your father might represent men in general or your relationship expectations. 

How can you talk to your father about your relationship?  

You mention that you wish your father would show interest in aspects of your life besides school and career. These feelings don’t mean that you don’t have a “good” relationship with your father—you can love him but still feel stressed or upset about this part of your relationship. 

Although it can be difficult to have serious conversations with your parents, having them can help you build a stronger connection. If you’re interested in addressing your concerns with your dad, consider planning out what you want to say to him. How are you feeling about your relationship? What would you like instead? Proposing the alternative can keep the conversation productive and avoid getting stuck in a cycle of blaming. Additionally, listening openly to what your father says might help you better understand why he acts the way that he does. If you notice that either of you is becoming defensive or heated, consider taking a break and returning to the conversation later.  

How can you talk to your boyfriend about your relationship?  

It’s possible to lose the spark in a long-term relationship, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or aren’t happy. To get to the bottom of how you’re really feeling, you might find it helpful to ask yourself some questions like: How long have you felt this way? Has one of you been initiatingsex less often? Have there been any other changes in your relationship? What has made you feel good during sex with previous partners?  

Speaking openly about your feelings could help revive the spark. Coming into the conversation with a few ideas to try can help keep your discussion productive. You might also consider asking your boyfriend how he’s been feeling about your sex life. You might discover that you’ve both been feeling the same way, without talking about it. Together, the two of you can come up with ideas to add a little more excitement to the bedroom. For example, you might find it helpful to set aside time to spend together and explore sexually, spending plenty of time on foreplay.   

If your dreams are making it hard to get a good night’s sleep and talking it through with the various people in your life doesn’t do the trick, consider meeting with a mental health professional. Doing so may help you work out any challenges or stress that may be contributing to your unwanted dreams  

Sleep tight!